Boundaries Without Guilt - Saying No With EFT Tapping Without Spiraling

Boundaries Without Guilt - Saying No With EFT Tapping Without Spiraling

Let’s just say this: boundaries were not a thing in my family. There were no healthy limits. No emotional fences. No quiet, self-assured “that doesn’t work for me” without any consequences. So, discussions that solved things were not a thing. Speaking up for yourself was not a thing.  Without getting into it, I had a lot to learn when it came to being assertive or having boundaries without expecting awful rocking of the boat, rejection, or punishment in some way.

So I grew up being afraid of voicing my needs or asserting myself. A doormat. A resentful doormat. Did I like it? Hell no. Did I put up with it? You bet. Cut in front of me? Well, I didn’t like it but I sure as hell was not gonna confront you. My calendar was jam-packed with activities and commitments because I couldn’t say no. I checked my work emails on Christmas (my own damn fault) so guess who got a last-minute newsletter Christmas Eve? I didn’t really understand that I had the right to have needs or stand up for myself. Or not be available to answer right away. As a result? I got completely trampled. In work. Out in the world. In relationships.

According to Gottman Institute-trained therapist, Hanna Stensby, “boundaries are all about becoming clear on your values and your priorities, and then setting limits around people or activities in your life that don’t bring you joy or don’t make you feel fulfilled.” - The Candidly.

Yeah well, I didn’t know how to be assertive. I didn’t know how to express my boundaries without sounding like I was apologizing for existing. And I certainly didn’t know how to say no and not feel like I was a terrible, selfish person for doing so. And no one took me seriously.  And the people who really needed the boundaries? Of course they didn’t like it. But here’s something important: people who want to be in your life in a healthy way will respect your boundaries. Others won’t.

My story of not being able to stick up for myself

Wanna hear an example of how hard it was to stick up for myself in any way? When I was 18 I went to backpack Europe the first time. We bought seats for train tickets for a night train from Barcelona to Madrid (12 hours). People were in our seats. I asked them and they acted like they didn’t know. So we slept in the aisle of the train amongst crumbs, dirt, cigarette butts, and god knows whatever else was on the floor. Yeah that sucked.

Like everything, there is a breaking point. I had grown resentful of being treated like a doormat, of not getting holidays off because I couldn’t say no at work when they said they ‘really needed me’ for that shift. So, in China, I was waiting in line patiently for a train ticket. People kept cutting in front of me and I didn’t say or do anything. Finally, it was my turn to get up to the little window and some guy came and pushed me out of the way to launch his money into the window to ask for a train ticket to Guangzhou. I had HAD IT!

I turned around and yelled and pushed him aside: ‘I’m buying a ticket now!! I’m first! Get back!” “我现在就买票!! 我是第一个.  后面!!

He jumped back, startled I had said anything. And stepped aside.

So, I started learning that no one was going to do me any favors, so I had to do it myself.

Where Does This Fear of Having Boundaries Come From?

Depending on how we grew up, most of these habits and fears around setting boundaries, having needs, or being assertive come from the way our family dynamics were about the way our parents responded to our voice and our needs.

The Counselling Directory UK explains that:

“For some, fear around setting boundaries may originate from childhood experiences in households where expressing needs or asserting limits was met with punishment, dismissal, or neglect. When a parent or caregiver disregards a child’s needs - whether emotionally, psychologically, or even physically - the child may grow up internalising the belief that their needs don’t matter. This kind of environment forces a person to ignore their discomfort, often to keep peace or maintain a sense of stability in the relationship, no matter how toxic it may be.”

So Why Should We Set Boundaries?

Sounds like an uncomfortable process, doesn’t it? So why do we need to bother? An article from Psychology Today says that:

“Boundaries are important for several reasons. They create healthy relationships and clear expectations. Boundaries protect us from being hurt and taken advantage of. And they ensure that we use our time, energy, and money for the things that matter most to us.

Learning to set boundaries without feeling guilty can be challenging, but it is possible. It involves changing the way you think about yourself and your boundaries. We need to move away from a people-pleaser mindset that lets others dictate what’s right for us, and begin to prioritize our needs.”

Difference Between Demands and Boundaries

One of the biggest misunderstandings about boundaries is that they’re about controlling other people — but real boundaries aren’t demands. They’re not ultimatums. They’re not about forcing someone to change their behavior. Boundaries are about what you will do to take care of yourself if a situation crosses your limit.

For example, saying “Don’t talk to me like that” is a demand — it relies on the other person changing.

A boundary sounds more like, “If you continue to yell at me, I’m going to leave the room.”

See the difference? The first one puts the power in their hands. The second one keeps it in yours.

Boundaries are actions you’re willing to take to protect your peace — like, “If you’re going to be late again, I’m going to start without you,” or “If work emails come in after 7pm, I won’t be answering until the next day.” It’s not about being controlling — it’s about being clear. And when you back your words with aligned action, people start to take your boundaries seriously.

Why Saying No Feels So Damn Guilty

However, in non-drastic circumstances with partners, friends, family, and colleagues, it’s funny how something as simple as “I’m not able or willing to do that” or “that doesn’t feel right for me” can spiral you into hours of overthinking. Ever not been able to LOOK at the text reply to a boundary you sent in a text? Yep, it happened to me. You finally muster up the courage to set the boundary, maybe even rehearse it in your head a few times… and then you say it. And then you’re terrified of the response.

“If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.”– Cheryl Richardson, The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time

It’s just about being assertive and declaring what works for you, what you’re able to do, what you’re unwilling to do. When do you let something go versus speak up? And you might still find it hard! And what should feel like empowerment turns into full-on internal panic. You feel the guilt hit your chest.

Your thoughts race:
“What if they’re mad?”
“Maybe I was too harsh…”
“Should I explain more?”
“Did I just ruin everything?”

You start wondering if you should take it back. You question whether your needs were even valid. And somehow, you, the person who set the boundary ends up feeling like the bad guy.

This is boundary guilt. And it’s incredibly common — especially for those of us who grew up being punished for speaking up.

Boundary Guilt Isn’t a Character Flaw — It’s a Nervous System Response

Here’s the thing: that guilt you feel after setting a boundary isn’t random. It’s not because you’re weak. It’s not because you’re overreacting. It’s your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do — keep you safe by keeping you agreeable.

If your early life taught you that love and approval were earned by making other people comfortable and happy with you, then setting a boundary — even a kind, respectful one — can feel dangerous. On a subconscious level, your brain interprets it as a threat. And it triggers all those old fears of being rejected, abandoned, or seen as “too much.”

So instead of standing firm in your truth, you retreat into guilt. You ruminate. You wonder if you’re allowed to take up space at all. Then maybe you get mad at yourself for feeling guilty and upset with yourself!

My Core Value Is Authenticity — So Why Did I Feel So Fake Saying No?

This part was hard for me. One of my deepest values is authenticity. I want to live truthfully, speak honestly, and show up in alignment with who I really am. But I constantly found myself keeping others (mostly relationships) comfortable  — pretending I was OK with things I wasn’t OK with. Saying yes when I meant no. Being “nice” instead of being real.

I thought bringing up certain topics to people, saying no, being assertive about my needs would mean that I’d lose people. That they’d be mad. That they’d leave. That I’d be “too difficult.” And you know what happens? You get resentful AF. You might explode one day over something trivial and stupid, because you were like a Coke bottle that someone kept shaking bit by bit and you didn’t let it out until it was absolutely impossible to contain.

This is what people don’t talk about enough: it’s not the boundary that’s the hardest part — it’s the emotional fallout afterward. The guilt. The fear. The self-doubt.

And that’s where EFT Tapping changed everything for me.

How EFT Helped Me Set Boundaries (Without Melting Down)

EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), or tapping, is a mind-body tool that helps you regulate your emotions in real-time to release the negative feelings that come up. You tap on acupressure points while acknowledging what you’re feeling, and it helps your nervous system shift from “panic mode” to “I’ve got this.”

Before I discovered tapping, I’d set a boundary and then spend hours feeling like I was going to throw up. I’d replay the conversation in my head a hundred times. I’d panic about them getting mad. I’d think about texting them back to soften what I said.

Now, if I’m starting to feel shaky before difficult conversations, I tap before the boundary to calm my nerves and remind myself that I’m allowed to honor my needs. I tap to practice what I want to say, to center myself in my truth, and to show up from a grounded place.

And after the boundary? Yep — I tap again. To soothe the ‘did I do the right thing?’ To calm the spiraling thoughts. To remind myself that I did the right thing. That I’m safe. That I can trust myself.

It’s not about being fearless. It’s about having the emotional tools to do the brave thing anyway — and then support yourself through the feelings that come up after.

What If You Stopped Apologizing for Having Needs?

What if you didn’t have to over-explain your decisions?
What if you could say no without feeling like you’re going to lose everyone you love?
What if setting boundaries didn’t feel like you were walking into emotional combat?

That’s what EFT can help you with.

It’s not about becoming cold or shutting people out. It’s about learning to stay grounded and clear, even when your inner people-pleaser is screaming. It’s about making space for your own emotional safety — not just everyone else’s.

Boundaries are not walls. They are doors.
They are the spaces where your needs and values get to live.

And EFT helps you keep those doors standing — even when the wind picks up.

You Don’t Need to Be Fearless — You Just Need to Be Rooted in Your Truth

If you grew up with fuzzy boundaries or never learned how to say no without guilt or worrying people were going to be mad at you, you are not broken. You are not weak for caring. You’re not wrong for wanting people to like you. You are not wrong for not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings.

But you also don’t have to live in fear of disappointing people forever.

You can learn to hold space for your own needs — without spiraling. You can build emotional resilience. You can stop abandoning yourself every time someone else might feel uncomfortable.

And no, it won’t happen overnight.
Just like going to the gym, building emotional strength takes consistency.
You don’t tap once and magically become a boundary queen.
You do it regularly — stretch a little further each time — until you’re standing tall, rooted, unshakable.

Conclusion: Break The Doormat Cycle

If you’re done overthinking every “no” and you’re ready to feel safe in your own decisions, let’s work together.

You’re not too much. You’re not mean. You’re just becoming someone who respects yourself enough to say no — and not apologize for it.
Are you ready to learn to stand up for yourself better? Book a 1:1 session with me where we’ll tap through the fear, the guilt, and help you create boundaries that actually feel empowering.

Follow me here for more emotional resilience tools, nervous system regulation tips, and stories.

ANDREA HUNT - Transformational Life Coach & EFT Tapping Practitioner based in Munich, Germany

As an Accredited Transformational Coach (Animas Centre UK) and Certified EFT Practitioner (AEFTP), I help you overcome low self-worth, imposter syndrome, and limiting beliefs using powerful EFT Tapping and coaching. Ready to transform your emotional health and boost your confidence?

If you’re curious about EFT Tapping and how it can enhance your emotional resilience while addressing issues like low self-worth, perfectionism, and negative self-talk, download my FREE EFT book!  ➡️ https://bit.ly/4e672x7

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